Tag Archives: motherhood

Jul 29 2016
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Life

My Year of Saying “Yes”

As the girls creep closer to turning one (6 weeks, OMG!!), I’ve started to reflect on what impact our new party of five has had on me. How I’ve changed. What I’ve learned, unlearned, let go of, and lost. Not only have I grown two beautiful little girls and helped shape a seriously funny little man this year, but I’ve also done a hell of a lot of growing myself.

One of the things I have always found difficult is asking for and accepting help. I suck at it at work (and am often reminded to delegate tasks) and I suck pretty badly at home too. Aside from organising a cleaner to come fortnightly after we had Toby, I just prefer to get on with things myself because I know they’ll be done the way I like it. I’m a control freak and I make life harder for myself because of it.

As soon as I found out I was pregnant with the girls I was overwhelmed with advice to get some help for when the babies came home. Every time my in-laws Skyped they would ask if we’d started looking for a nanny yet. I had absolutely no issues outsourcing the toilets and mopping, but when it came to getting help with the kids on non-daycare days I was hit with a massive case of mummy guilt.

“I should be able to look after my own kids!”

“Loads of other people do it themselves… some of them have more than three kids.”

“I’ve managed multiple major projects at work, I can do this.”

Of course I tried. I failed. I tried again.I had some success in the morning, but then the wheels fell off after lunch and I’d start message-bombing my husband to see how early he could be home to rescue me. My three little people literally sucked the life out of me. I’d like to say there was a defining moment or epiphany, but there wasn’t. It was just a big fat reality check and acceptance that I either accepted the help offered, or I ran myself into the ground.

Learning to say “yes” to help turned out to be one of the most empowering and humbling things I’ve ever done.

I’m not the most outgoing person in the world, so I find the attention that twins bring hard to deal with at times.  But I still need groceries, or to aimlessly wander a shopping mall once in a while a week.  I’ve had wonderful strangers offer to carry my pile of nappies to the Aldi checkout and said, gratefully, “yes”. I’ve accepted offers from people to feed my girls while I eat my lunch. I’ve had some amazing conversations with strangers with grown twins, a gorgeous older Chinese lady who was utterly fascinated by the girls and just wanted to talk and play with them, and an older couple in the supermarket who loaded my trolley contents onto the belt while sharing the story of how they found out they were expecting twins while in labour (!!!)

We got a nanny. She is awesome and the kids adore her.  It definitely took a few months to let go of my control hangups, but I”m now completely comfortable surrendering motherhood to her for a few hours while I run errands or meet a friend for lunch. The Threenager adores her and every week she teaches the girls a new trick. This week, they learned cuddles on demand. I melted as she said, “cuddles” and the girls took turns snuggling into her chest.

Having help on non-daycare days saves me from feeling like I’m always “angry mum”, or mum who always says no. It gives me the opportunity to spend some quality one-on-one time with the Threenager at the movies, Pokemon-hunting at the park, or having a cosy cafe lunch.  And the Threenager gets to go on exciting adventures to new parks, the beach or the zoo, that carting three kids to would otherwise put it in the “too hard” basket.

My multi-tasking skills have reached Ninja Master level.  I now boast the ability to negotiate daycare pickup while carrying two babies, a Threenager’s hand and his school bag. But recognising the logistical limitations of this, I also have no hesitation in parking up in the carpark and calling the daycare teachers to bring him out to the car if the afternoon has been curly. Or if I just can’t be bothered getting both babes out of the car.

I’ve started going to our local baby rhyme time on Tuesdays, and big kids rhyme time on Thursdays. Religiously. It’s a bit chaotic and we’re always late, but it’s a regular outing we all look forward to. I’ve met some great local mums, and the girls get lots of extra cuddles and play time.

Having a baby can be isolating. And it’s one of the few aspects of parenting where I feel that isolation is doubled at times because there are two babies. It’s incredibly easy to spend the day at home because the faff involved with organising and getting two babies (or all three) is overwhelming. Even pulling the gigantor pram out of the car to go for a walk can seem too much some days. That one is obviously not helped by a neighbourhood with no footpaths, and 30+kg of pram and baby to push around…

But my year of saying “yes” is getting me out the door. It’s forging new friendships. It’s led to conversations with strangers that have filled me with warmth and happiness and will stay with me for a long time. And it’s helping rebuild some of the bond that was lost with the Threenager when the girls came along and I was too busy to give him everything he needed.

Now I just need to learn to put away the washing people have kindly folded for me, instead of refolding half of it so it’s the way I like it!

 

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Mar 07 2016
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Life

How Life Has Changed

I started making myself a coffee  at 9 o’clock this morning. It’s now 1pm and I STILL haven’t had it. Shit, the only thing I have done is turn on the machine to warm up (yep, definitely warm) and grind the beans. #kids right?

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Five and a half months into adulting for three under three and any and all assumptions I made about how life would be have been smashed to pieces. I thought with one alive, relatively well-adjusted child under my belt, that wrangling twins wouldn’t be THAT much more of a stretch. Certainly not double. But what I wasn’t prepared for was the uncanny knack those two cute-but-torturous kids have to throw their “routine” (ha!) out the window by first nap.

How  has life changed with two babies and a toddler?

  • The meeting time on my coffee dates change at least twice because the babies are pulling an unusually long nap … or we get there 30 minutes early because they didn’t nap at all.
  • Some days the girls get so out of whack with their sleep that I need to take notes on when they woke, fed and went back down. Then I lose track and have no idea who is meant to be up, and who asleep. Usually the babies will let me know by screaming hysterically or falling asleep on the floor.
  • Sleep deprivation is part of the baby package. But being so tired, you’re overtired is the pits. Suddenly you get why your baby just won’t go to sleep when they’ve been up all day (or night, or both). Brain – GTFTS.
  • Mummy Guilt ALL THE FREAKING TIME. Are all the kids getting the same amount of attention/hugs/kisses? I know I’m yelling at the 3-year-old more than I should. I shouldn’t need a nanny to help on non-daycare days. Should I be taking the twins to more activities? If only mummy guilt was guilt at the time you’re NOT spending taking care of yourself… like ever.
  • Yes, I have lost all my baby weight. No, I haven’t been doing any exercise. My exercise is feeding two babies with my own body, jiggling said babies to sleep and pushing 15kg of megapram and 12kg of baby around on grassy verges because the local council has something against footpaths in our area.
  • I get way too excited when I find something that will put food on the table with a minimum of fuss or effort. My current faves are:
    • Cutting up veges when we get them and bagging them up. Dinner is as easy as a few handfuls in a salad or frying pan.
    • A 10-minute recipe that actually takes 10 minutes – even with fussy babies. Banana Bread by Aldi Home Cook is my current fave.
    • Serving up leftovers from the meals I’ve prepped for Toby. Which is usually the ENTIRE bloody thing because he refuses to eat anything other than fish fingers and plain spaghetti these days.
    • Something made by the husband while I nap on the sofa
  • I make constant apologies to friends who haven’t received a reply to a voicemail or text a week (or more). By the time I get a spare minute it’s 9 o’clock and the only thing I’m capable of is the zombie walk to bed.
  • Twins aren’t that unusual, but people will still stop and stare or comment (Double Trouble!) when you are near. Maximum patience is also tested when bailed up by old people asking 101 questions including how you birthed them.
  • Watching the toddler interact with the babies sometimes makes me feel like I”m going to implode. My heart is so full and my eyes brim. Every day at daycare pickup he greets them by cupping their faces one at a time and saying, “How are you my beautiful, sweet girl? I missed you today.”
  • Despite regular reminders, sometimes the babies both lose their shit at the same time. I was at a park with my new Mother’s Group and both babies started up.  Everyone literally stopped and stared to see what I would do. After unsuccessfully trying to settle them for a few minutes, someone offered a  hand. And what did stupid me say, “no thanks!” Because you should be able to settle your own babies right? Fucking mummy guilt.
  • I literally lose hours of my day smushing and snuggling the kiddos. Seriously. Hide and seek snuggles or playing trains with the toddler. Big smiles and chats with the girls. I can go a whole day and not go outside once.
  • I spent 30 minutes getting ready for our one big night out of the month – the childcare disco. The irony being I see most of these parents every day (sometimes non-shower days!) in my activewear, no makeup, glistening and probably a bit fragrant from the 10 minute trek to school with the megapram. The only difference today being the teacher is leaping around to “Everything is Awesome” with crazy yellow sunnies on and his hair in pigtails.
  • I’m getting too comfortable with feeling like I have no brain left at all – because I’m so spent by the end of the dinner/bath/bed routine that my brain is as literally as useful as a head full of spaghetti. I can’t work out how to get off the sofa I collapsed onto, let alone come up with ideas for bloody dinner. Toast anyone?
  • Touching. Lots. All day. Two babies hanging off your chest. Toddler lying across your legs or playing with your toes. Pity the poor husband needing his own cuddle time with the touched-out wife.
  • I’ve learned not to feel bad about skipping the healthy salad or wrap for lunch in favour of biscuits. Because everyone knows the 5 minutes you save by pulling biscuits out of a tin, means five more minutes you can spend on the sofa watching Mac and the team on CSI New York.
  • I swear the only washing produced in this house are little boy undies and socks, and onesies. I have no idea if the husband and I are actually changing our clothes regularly or we just forget and rewear the same stuff. Either that or there is a large unwashed pile of t-shirts, boxers and underwear that I’m yet to discover…
  • I had a good belly laugh at the hairdresser when she suggested I “forget the boring mum bun/pony” and try a style that shows off my cut. That would involve clean hair that has been dried with something fancy like a hairdryer, rather than a hasty towel or (gasp!) air dry. Currently my showers fall under one of three categories:
    1. Non-existent: By the time I get a break long enough it’s too late and I’m too bloody tired. Yes, I’m dirty and I don’t care.
    2. Interrupted – one or both babies inexplicably wake hysterical 20 minutes into their nap and I’m forced to wade out dripping wet after a hasty rinse of the shampoo coating my hair, never to return to complete the job.
    3. Blink and you’ll miss it – literally in and out in a minute. If we didn’t do so much washing (or bathe three kids) our water bill would be tiny.

And don’t even get me started on the realities of “sleeping when the baby sleeps” or “never waking a sleeping baby”.

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Mar 30 2013
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Sleep

The Battle for Sleepytime: Night 1

The Tobester knows what we are up to and is waging a counter-attack of epic non-sleeping proportions.  His original battle strategy of multiple wakeups followed by an hour of crying and being comforted anywhere but his bed has been joined by an assault on daytime naps. Once brag-worthy in their consistency, they have disintegrated into restless 20-minute catnaps. Even our Old Faithful – the 9am sleep of at least 1 1/4 hours – has fallen victim. Today’s daytime sleeps totalled just 60 minutes. Crap.

Rewind to last night. We had a game plan: in-cot settling with pats; our “sleepy song” and shushing as our primary settling technique.  If he continued to be upset or wouldn’t stay down flat on the bed, we would move to PUPD (Pick Up, Put Down) – continuing the pats, sleepy song & shushing as we tread the well-worn track along the length of his bedroom. We would wait until he was dozy and put him in his bed, then leave the room. If he cried we would leave him for five minutes before going in and starting the routine again. This is where I knew I was going to struggle. I’m a first time parent. A Smother Mother. One minute of my baby crying feels like ten. We were never going to be the type of people to use CIO (Cry It Out or the Ferber Method) as part of our sleep training –  a cuddle and verbal reassurance from his parents is much more effective for our baby. At least for now.

One of our biggest obstacles at the moment (aside from my inability to let him cry) is Toby’s mobility. When we rouses from sleep he gets up on all fours and moves around. His latest trick is to crawl to the end of the cot nearest the door and haul himself up on the bars to look for us. Invariably he loses his grip as he yells or cries and bang! Head meets cot bars and all hell breaks loose. This makes it infinitely more difficult to settle him as he’s now sore, had a bit of a fright and wide awake.

Night 1 – How it Panned Out:

  • 6:45pm: Down for bed
  • 9:45pm: Cries briefly but self-settles. Parents fist-pump the air.
  • 10:50pm (5 mins awake): Wakes up. Resettled in the cot within 5 minutes.
  • 12:25am (15 mins awake): Wakes up. Lunging for my chest so fed. As soon as I start feeding I know I should have tried harder. I was tired, annoyed and knew it would get him back to sleep. He was fidgety and took a short feed because it was there, not because he was hungry.
  • 2:45am (45 mins awake): Wakes up. In-cot settling and PUPD fail. We leave him to cry for what felt like 20 minutes but was probably only about four. We can hear him moving around then silence. BANG! Head hits bars, crying amplifies. I feed again (I know, I know) and he falls asleep quickly.
  • 6:45am: Up for the day.

So, overall not great. We still fed twice overnight and really didn’t see any change. But it was only the first night and everything we’ve read says it will take 3-7 days to see a result.

In terms of his daytime naps going to hell I’m putting that down to a badly timed busy day. We had a Skype call with the grandparents just after breakfast (and prior to nap time), then had to meet family for lunch. He had just fallen asleep in the car when we got there so we gently moved him into his pram, but all the new voices woke him up. I managed to get him back down again within half an hour, but the damage had been done. His final afternoon sleep should have been the saviour but again, it was badly timed, with the Tobester going down just before dinnertime! Fair to assume hunger cut that one short. Thankfully tomorrow and Monday are fairly clear of commitments so we’ll be able to stick to our daytime nap routine at home.

Night 2 – The Game Plan:

  1. Continue settling plan as per Night 1.
  2. Try to avoid feeding to sleep unless everything else has failed or he shows clear hunger signs (diving at chest, sucking shoulder, hunger cry).
  3. Let him cry a bit more. Wait at least 5 minutes before going in to settle in cot/PUPD.
  4. We’ve both read this article on sleep training from the Lamari Parenting website. It’s basically confirmed our approach so far, and reinforced that we need to leave him a bit longer to try to settle himself. And if that means some tears before bedtime then so be it.

To be continued…

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