As the girls creep closer to turning one (6 weeks, OMG!!), I’ve started to reflect on what impact our new party of five has had on me. How I’ve changed. What I’ve learned, unlearned, let go of, and lost. Not only have I grown two beautiful little girls and helped shape a seriously funny little man this year, but I’ve also done a hell of a lot of growing myself.
One of the things I have always found difficult is asking for and accepting help. I suck at it at work (and am often reminded to delegate tasks) and I suck pretty badly at home too. Aside from organising a cleaner to come fortnightly after we had Toby, I just prefer to get on with things myself because I know they’ll be done the way I like it. I’m a control freak and I make life harder for myself because of it.
As soon as I found out I was pregnant with the girls I was overwhelmed with advice to get some help for when the babies came home. Every time my in-laws Skyped they would ask if we’d started looking for a nanny yet. I had absolutely no issues outsourcing the toilets and mopping, but when it came to getting help with the kids on non-daycare days I was hit with a massive case of mummy guilt.
“I should be able to look after my own kids!”
“Loads of other people do it themselves… some of them have more than three kids.”
“I’ve managed multiple major projects at work, I can do this.”
Of course I tried. I failed. I tried again.I had some success in the morning, but then the wheels fell off after lunch and I’d start message-bombing my husband to see how early he could be home to rescue me. My three little people literally sucked the life out of me. I’d like to say there was a defining moment or epiphany, but there wasn’t. It was just a big fat reality check and acceptance that I either accepted the help offered, or I ran myself into the ground.
Learning to say “yes” to help turned out to be one of the most empowering and humbling things I’ve ever done.
I’m not the most outgoing person in the world, so I find the attention that twins bring hard to deal with at times. But I still need groceries, or to aimlessly wander a shopping mall once in a while a week. I’ve had wonderful strangers offer to carry my pile of nappies to the Aldi checkout and said, gratefully, “yes”. I’ve accepted offers from people to feed my girls while I eat my lunch. I’ve had some amazing conversations with strangers with grown twins, a gorgeous older Chinese lady who was utterly fascinated by the girls and just wanted to talk and play with them, and an older couple in the supermarket who loaded my trolley contents onto the belt while sharing the story of how they found out they were expecting twins while in labour (!!!)
We got a nanny. She is awesome and the kids adore her. It definitely took a few months to let go of my control hangups, but I”m now completely comfortable surrendering motherhood to her for a few hours while I run errands or meet a friend for lunch. The Threenager adores her and every week she teaches the girls a new trick. This week, they learned cuddles on demand. I melted as she said, “cuddles” and the girls took turns snuggling into her chest.
Having help on non-daycare days saves me from feeling like I’m always “angry mum”, or mum who always says no. It gives me the opportunity to spend some quality one-on-one time with the Threenager at the movies, Pokemon-hunting at the park, or having a cosy cafe lunch. And the Threenager gets to go on exciting adventures to new parks, the beach or the zoo, that carting three kids to would otherwise put it in the “too hard” basket.
My multi-tasking skills have reached Ninja Master level. I now boast the ability to negotiate daycare pickup while carrying two babies, a Threenager’s hand and his school bag. But recognising the logistical limitations of this, I also have no hesitation in parking up in the carpark and calling the daycare teachers to bring him out to the car if the afternoon has been curly. Or if I just can’t be bothered getting both babes out of the car.
I’ve started going to our local baby rhyme time on Tuesdays, and big kids rhyme time on Thursdays. Religiously. It’s a bit chaotic and we’re always late, but it’s a regular outing we all look forward to. I’ve met some great local mums, and the girls get lots of extra cuddles and play time.
Having a baby can be isolating. And it’s one of the few aspects of parenting where I feel that isolation is doubled at times because there are two babies. It’s incredibly easy to spend the day at home because the faff involved with organising and getting two babies (or all three) is overwhelming. Even pulling the gigantor pram out of the car to go for a walk can seem too much some days. That one is obviously not helped by a neighbourhood with no footpaths, and 30+kg of pram and baby to push around…
But my year of saying “yes” is getting me out the door. It’s forging new friendships. It’s led to conversations with strangers that have filled me with warmth and happiness and will stay with me for a long time. And it’s helping rebuild some of the bond that was lost with the Threenager when the girls came along and I was too busy to give him everything he needed.
Now I just need to learn to put away the washing people have kindly folded for me, instead of refolding half of it so it’s the way I like it!
How Life Has Changed 